he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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