boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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