I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize