What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
