jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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