i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
