There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
