if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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