I'm really into asian looking animals
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
whose parrot is this?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
