When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
where are my eyebrows?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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