I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
