Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
