is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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