She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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