all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
