I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
