I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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