Sponge bath it is.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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