i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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