I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
