im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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