weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize