Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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