I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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