Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
