You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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