I wish I could teleport
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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