Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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