i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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