it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
