I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
