I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize