He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
