John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
