I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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