They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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