So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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