My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
