I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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