NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
