the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
