I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
