Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize