: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
