We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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