3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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