Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
