if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
