I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dicks are not precious.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
