The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
