Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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