So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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