Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
