I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
