Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Randomize
