Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
